Broken Note 1

31st May, 2012 - Wednesday "midnight 12.02 a.m." 

I doubted that maybe I had become too emotions over things, overreacted on things aren't meant that way, over thinking on things may not meant such a way. I can't stop thinking them, I can't get rid of this feeling telling me that they may meant such a way! 


I hate myself, I hate myself for having such thought! I don't like having it! I never once hate myself so much like now. I used to blame everything on others yet, I started to blame everything on myself. Why am I like this? I keep questioning my existence. I can't stop but question myself. I understand that such act are nothing but silly then again I just can't stop myself being that way. 


I told myself not to care. It is hardest to be done. Hardest than you think! When a knife pierce through your skin it is nothing you felt but the pain and the fear. That's what I am now. 


I've been suffocating for so long, and there is once where I successfully buried them inside me yet they are now again shown! I don't know who to share nor who to tell. There is no one for me. I don't know where I should go, I don't know what else I can do to save myself from such deadly situation. 


There are times, so many times than I wish my life could come to an end. I yelling inside me saying "end it already" I cried so much inside. I screamed! I held out. There are nothing but me, myself. I'm getting weakened as day passes. 


I wanted to vanish. I want to hide, run to my heart content scream my heart out! At least that is what I want to do to release the grudge I hold along! I sometimes really does blame myself so much that I wish...wish... that I could just end my life on the spot! Only if I'm left alone in this world I swear beneath this skin and bone this blood in veins I had long gone!


When there are someone asking me to hold on! I listen and acted. I miss that person who would do anything in regards to protect me! I miss him so much. Only if my life could exchange his! I would do it! I swear to HELL I would fking do it. He would at least provide the best for the person I dear and love the most. For the precious of mine I swear I would end mine and have him back. 


I am really suffocating here. No one understand! I bet only if everything is end, that way probably one or two of them may act in some fake tears asking the reason I had gone. I am sad and in the pain no one can truly understand just like I won't understand theirs. 


Human are very funny and foolish. Either you had words or not they can critics you either. They want you death, yet when you are they felt the guilt stirring. What's the most idiotic act is that I am one FOOLISH IDIOT myself. 


There, I felt a little better now.